I had a really hard day yesterday. I'm very proud of myself lately because I have become exceedingly emotionally resilient. Almost emotional elasticity, and it's something that serves me well. It was a difficult thing to develop and it really did need cultivating, like a garden would. So I wanted to talk about intrusive thoughts and bipolar today.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I spent some time in Dominion Hospital. My doctor had tried to put me on Cymbalta for my migraines - but women with bipolar disorder and antidepressants don't mix. I started hearing voices, and then I started having visual hallucinations. I was on Cymbalta for two weeks and at the end of that time, I had no choice but to admit myself into Dominion Hospital because I knew my brain was short-circuiting. I am exceedingly grateful I was able to cry for help, even though that cry was more of the sort of strangled mewling that you'd expect from a weak kitten, mixed with the roar of a tyrannosaurus rex.
Things fell together for my doctor. I actually saw one of the pediatric doctors, even at almost 30 years old, and he was amazing. He said the fact that I had horrible post partum depression should have been a dead giveaway. He said that normal people don't think it's fine to sleep 3 - 4 hours and then live your life, day after day. I honestly had no idea - I'd always been a short sleeper. He gave me a term for things that had bothered me since I was a very young girl - and that name is INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS.
Have you ever been at home and your husband is 10 minutes later in coming back than you expected and you thought that he was dead?
Have you ever been convinced someone was going to kidnap your child to the point where you wanted to photograph her every morning so you would have record of what clothes she was wearing that morning?
Have you ever been SURE someone was in your basement, and when you had to go downstairs to do the laundry, you raced upstairs after, your heart pounding and tasting bile in the back of your throat?
Have you ever thought that someone was talking about you, and kept thinking about it, over and over, and what you should've said, and were you a chicken not to confront them? And why would they think that about you anyway? And what about that character on that TV show, why did they do that? Do you think you should do that? What if you did? What if they did? What if you did? What if they did? What if you did? What if they did?
What about something more subversive - have you ever looked in the mirror every morning and thought about the size of your ass and the limpness of your hair, and then you couldn't stop thinking about it? Or have you ever thought that if you were only taller, or thinner, or blonder, or whatever - then everything would be okay? What if you're losing your hair? What if you forget your homework? What if you forget your homework and everyone else didn't? What if you fail that test what if you forget your homework what if you fail what if there are no more tests what if everything in your head just fades to black and you don't wake up why would that happen just because you failed a test? Because I forgot my homework I will fail this test and I will have no future and I will become a junkie and live on the streets and life will be hell and everyone I know and love will shun me and I will die because I can't because I fail because because what if? What if?
Here's the reality of intrusive thoughts. They suck, and they are NOT rational.
The difference between the occasional fleeting thought like this and intrusive thoughts is that you cannot banish intrusive thoughts easily. People may say to you, "You're doing it to yourself," or "Just stop thinking about it!" or "You're working yourself up over nothing?"
Sound familiar?
These people have no idea what it's like to be you. These people have a brain that doesn't short circuit and play an annoying four measures on repeat over and over. People with bipolar disorder cannot stand repetition. A ticking clock makes me want to scream, if I am at all stressed. Even my fingers clicking on the keyboard can be a horrible sound if I'm really, REALLY stressed. Repetition is one of the things that I have classified as Enemy, and I've had to develop coping mechanisms to work around.
Because coping mechanisms can diffuse intrusive thoughts.
Let's take a typical intrusive thought. My wnderful husband has forgotten his cell phone and he is out. I cannot get a hold of him, therefore he must be dead. (no I'm not kidding, this happens sometimes.)
Coping mechanism #1: I have a housemate who I love, Tara. I will go to Tara. "Aaron has forgotten his phone. Do you think he's okay?"
Tara loves me too and she knows how I operate. She says, "He's fine Jen. He forgot his phone. He's out at the store and he will be back. Remember, this happened a month ago."
"But when should I worry?"
"Let's think about it again in 30 minutes."
For 30 minutes now, I can pause that thought. It comes back if Aaron's not back and I REALITY CHECK with a trusted friend again. My friend does not say, "It's all in your head." My friend does not say, "You're making a big deal out of nothing." My friend simply states reality - this has happened before, remember what happened last time? And we repeat if necessary. When Aaron gets home, I gently remind him to keep his cell phone with him, or laugh it off with a "you were dead!" joke - like the cats feel we're dead when we're gone for a day.
Coping mechanism #2: Tara isn't home. George is. George is my big fluffy orange cat. I have trained myself to have George's voice too. I say to George, "George, is dad dead?"
George replies, "No. Rub my tummy."
"But what if he is?"
"He's not - this happened before. Now rub my tummy."
I have distracted myself with George. This will have to happen a bit longer, but I have taught myself to have a cat, who can't ACTUALLY talk, talk back to me and tell me things are okay, pet me because I destress you. Pets are an amazing coping mechanism.
Coping mechanism #3: I have this thought at work. I can't get a hold of Aaron while I'm at work, and I can't talk to Tara or George. I will write down my intrusive thought and I will set an alarm on my phone. This alarm is typically 20 minutes. "In 20 minutes, re-evaluate." I also will turn on Pandora and listen to music, or put in ear buds. This fixes the problem. Music, for me, removes the intrusive thought because I sing along.
For me, I have needed several strategies to cope with intrusive thoughts. It's gotten to the point where I don't have them more than once every couple of months, and that's a pretty amazing feat. And when I do, I have coping strategies in place. I need cats. Cats help me SO much when I am stressed and people are not around. I need people - and the people I need have to know that you can't say "You don't make sense." You can't say that to someone with intrusive thoughts - it makes things worse and not better, because on top of your intrusive thought you now feel hopeless that you're not normal. It's okay. I got news for my bipolar friends out there - we're never going to BE NORMAL thinkers, but we absolutely can achieve our own NORMALCY and our own way of coping. If you are trying to fit your other-wired brain into a perfect brain-box, you will achieve nothing but frustration and unhappiness and self-loathing for not being able to do it.
So don't. Find what is normal for you. Experiment. For me, it's cats and coaching. I coach my close friends on how to respond to me when I am having an irrational episode. I also have music as a back-up. And as another one, I do zen tangles and I zone out and do art - this occupies the music sphere and the hand-eye sphere, and will block pretty much anything. But I had to find what works for me, because my brain's not a perfect brain-box. It's perfectly beautiful, and it's mine, but it's really more shaped something like an enzephalaoid.
Don't bother looking it up. It's one of a kind, baby.
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